First Post

I think part of the reason why it's so difficult to answer, "Who are you?" is because:

1) We all have so many dimensions to ourselves: we are one person with friends, another with family, and another with colleagues. Also, sometimes we like so many different things that don't seem to group together at all, that we can't put ourselves in any category. We don't know where we belong.

2) We change over the years: we can't tell if who we used to be is who we are now. Many of us are also "in transition". When we are neither here nor there, we don't really know where we are.

But I believe we are manifestations of our past and present experiences. However, that doesn't mean that because we were something before, perhaps something negative, that we are that thing now. However, our past has shaped who we are today, and usually, I find, we change for the better.

As for me, I've accepted that I may not exactly know where I am or where I'm going, because one day, I will know. All I want to focus on is how to be a better me now, because ultimately, this will shape my future. It is this year's goal of mine is to learn and grow so I can be a strong, confident person.

One of the things in my past that has helped me, though, is my first job at Starbucks, which I only quit two months ago. I've worked at a Starbucks in SoHo for 2 and a half years, and I just grew extremely tired of cleaning the same 20+ pieces of plexiglass every night, serving the same cranky customers every morning, and being yelled at because someone's Half-Caf Triple Grande 2-Pump Vanilla, 2-Pump Sugar-Free Vanilla, Soy, Extra Foam, 135-Degree Latte wasn't exactly 135 degrees! Don't get me wrong, I was still nice to customers and I was a great employee, but one can only take so much abuse before you start wanting to spit in everyone's coffee! (Don't worry, I've never done it, and I've never seen anyone do it.) If a co-worker asked if I needed anything (cups, lids, syrups) while I was on bar, I'd just say, "Yeah, I need a noose!" I only tolerated the job for so long because 1) I have a lot of patience, 2) I loved my co-workers. But then all the co-workers that kept me sane were transferred to other Starbucks, and I just didn't want to be there anymore.

Yet, I still miss having somewhere to go all the time. At one point, it was like my second home, and I'll always be grateful for having the job at all, because even though I feel like I'm still an awkward, quiet person (one of the things I want to better about myself!), talking to hundreds of customers everyday, calling out drinks, and working in a fast-paced environment has made me louder and quicker.

So at that point, I identified myself as a Starbucks barista. After I quit, though, I felt a little lost. Who was I now that I was (and still am...) unemployed? Where was my place in society? I guess that's just one of those other things I'll know one day, but not now...

But I've been better about it lately, because I just started taking a taekwondo class. My boyfriend suggested that I join, and when I said I was excited about it, he said the school would be excited too because there aren't too many women there, and the more women they get, the more diverse the school would be.

So I got my uniform on Wednesday, and even got an Honor Student card yesterday at my third class! And I was terrible on the first day... I see taekwondo as another way to make me that better person. I may be there because of my boyfriend, but I'm there for me. I'll be more confident in my abilities, I'll be more physically fit, and I'll know self-defense!

Even without those things, we are still always somebody. And that person emcompasses all of who we are: daughters, sons, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, students, teachers, New Yorkers, Mets fans, Yankees fans (I'm neither, I'm not one to watch sports, not even the Superbowl), guitar players, piano players, music-lovers, artists, aristically-challenged, etcetera, etcetera. Just because we don't know everything about ourselves (just like we don't know EVERYTHING about our friends and family, but we still maintain good relationships with them, like we should have good relationships with ourselves), doesn't mean we're lost. We're not trying to find ourselves, we're trying to find out MORE about ourselves.


Me in Paris (I went to Europe over the winter break!)